MENTIMACY

Have you ever stopped to consider that men require and have just as much of a need for intimacy as women? Although our society has changed and become more accepting of interchanging emotional roles, for the most part, men still live under an expectation of bravado and machismo.

Men are also expected to step into the role of comforter. There is nothing safer than the arms of a strong man when times are uncertain or when someone needs to be uplifted. This Teflon-like image helps to create an outer shell to seal the threats from affecting our loved ones while simultaneously sealing in our own emotional reactions.

It is not only our physical constitution that comes with the expectation of protection, it is something that is instilled in us from childhood when we are told to "get up and shake it off" after falling off our bike.

“Men are taught from an early age to bottle emotions that could be categorized as feminine, but we were never given an alternative means of healthy expression. The emotions still exist hovering just below the surface swelling like a clogged pipe and unless an appropriate channel of release is identified, the emotions will undoubtedly be expressed explosively; the pipes will burst.”

Men have suffered in dark corners since the beginning of time. Our peers have reinforced the misnomer that vulnerability is weakness, so instead we choose violence, anger, isolation, or simply ignoring its existence. If you are privy to a "nesting" of men which is simply a group of guys, the conversation spans everything between golf, football, and finances, but never broaches emotions or disappointments.

Could this partly be the reason men engage in unacceptable and at times, unscrupulous outlets to receive intimacy? Most men are only held, hugged, or the center of someone’s immersion during sexual activity. During sex, a man can feel the closeness of a tight embrace that he is always asked to be the initiator of. Therefore, multiple sexual partners may increase the chance of multiple occurrences of intimacy. During intimacy, a man has undivided attention, closeness, personal touch, and if he is lucky, a quiet and targeted conversation afterward that may focus on him.

In a study of female sex workers, many reported that many of their male clients simply wanted to be listened to. It was revealed that these men were often inundated with the problems of everyone around them and expected to find solutions, yet were forced to bottle up their own worries, anxieties, and frustrations. The research also revealed they sought hugs, reassurance, and affirmations which they expressed were things that were not easily obtained in everyday life. The research implied that the majority of the transaction was relational as opposed to sexual in nature. These men were attempting to replicate a lack of intimacy they had not received.

In her research, Brené Brown observed that people tend to view showing vulnerability as a strength in others but see it as a weakness in themselves.

Anna Bruk and her colleagues at the University of Mannheim in Germany recently gathered evidence to support Brown’s study by creating several scenarios involving vulnerability and participants tended to agree with statements such as: “By showing my vulnerability, I am showing weakness.” To exacerbate the fear, the study showed that showing vulnerability repeatedly to the same people may not be perceived in a favorable light; people who frequently disclose negative information are perceived less favorably by friends and receive less support from their romantic partners (2021, October 28) The Benefits of Letting Yourself Be Vulnerable, Psychology Today.

This unfortunate statistic shows that many do not have a soft place to land, and we are perpetuating a circular and systemic negative cycle. We all have had a part in contaminating this part of our environment and we all must take part in correcting it.

Men have to be brave enough to be transparent while mature enough to accept the vulnerability of their peers. Women have to be introspective enough to share the space for his vulnerability while giving him the same comforts they’d expect. Finally, we all have to safeguard each other's secrets and never use them as weapons because we are ultimately destroying the chance of change. We have to provide everyone with a safe space.

#changedmindschangelives

#bethesunshine