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What are you striving for? I know for most people there are many things you are striving for, but if you could think about the number #1 thing, what would it be? Is it financial wealth, power, financial stability, or happiness? As many of you think through your list you may even feel that one element may lead to another. You may feel that financial wealth is the key to your happiness or that financial stability is the first step on your way to having power. However, are you sure that the thing you are striving for isn't deterring you from obtaining the other things on your list? Does money affect happiness?? A University of Pennsylvania study suggests that all forms of well-being continued to rise with income, across a wide range of income levels, and it didn't plateau. Another study shows that an increased salary leads to increased expectations in work hours and erodes the happiness that comes with socializing with family and friends. Finally, another study states that emotional well-being rises with income. However, it grows logarithmically. That is, as an individual's income increases, their well-being increases at a slower and slower rate. And after income surpasses about $75,000 per year, data suggests, well-being stops increasing altogether (Kahneman & Deaton). But how about this? Maybe what you are striving for causes you to totally ignore that the result already exists. Most people desire financial stability to be able to give their family liberty and thereby ensuring their happiness. Well, what if your kids are already happy with what you provide? Your family may very well not know you are limited. I grew up with seven siblings in the projects where the boys had to share 2 rooms with bunk beds. My mom provided for us on her own and I don't doubt for a minute that she wished she had the financial stability to give us more. I don't doubt there were missed payments, but we had everything we wanted and needed. My childhood was extremely happy filled with large Thanksgiving dinners and laughter. My mom strived to make ends meet but she stopped to thank God for the happiness in our home and NONE of us would choose a different childhood. Focus on what you are striving for and if you think that goal will ensure other things, stop for a moment to ensure you don't already have those things. Yes, money improves emotional well-being, but so do loving relationships and friendships. I challenge you to take inventory of what you already have and find a blessing in it every day. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8). Be thankful for what you have while you strive for things you don't. Both are possible. #changedmindschangelives #bethesunshine #findthesunshine

There are a lot of theories on what really sparks change, but the common theme boils down to an event or realization that can be labeled as " the straw that broke the camel's back." In other words, many of us don't make a change until we are "sick and tired of being sick and tired." What gets us caught up in this cycle of starting and stopping? Dissociation is a process by which we disengage from our reality where we almost deny the factual evidence of our existence. In other words, we have convinced ourselves that we are not out of shape, not in an unhealthy failing relationship, or not caught up in addiction, regardless of the evidence. This distorted reality stops us from changing or doesn’t allow us to be sick and tired enough. Confirmation bias causes one to develop a belief and then compile data and opinions that agree with or "confirm" our belief. This will extinguish any movement toward change. "Most marriages don't last this long so we can't be doing that bad." "There is just not enough time in my day to exercise." " My success has a glass ceiling because of my race or ethnicity." These are beliefs that lead to confirmation bias and eventually lead to reduced effort or being frozen. The "pink elephant paradox" loosely defined means the more we try to suppress thoughts the more recurrent they become. This is the beginning of the road to being "sick and tired of being sick and tired". To change yourself or your situation you must accept the need and be resilient enough to face it head-on. After we have dissociated (given ourselves excuses), used confirmation bias ( garnered support for our excuses), and subscribed to the pink elephant paradox (attempted to suppress the obvious need for change), we have to let the straw break the camel's back finally. The only way to progress toward change is to have the hard conversations with yourself that you have been avoiding. The moment you can admit that you are the problem becomes the moment you can start making a momentous and permanent change. I encourage you to face your need for change today. Running from it makes it grow stronger and more extensive. Be a little harder on yourself. You read that correctly. Tell yourself to "stop making excuses", "There is enough time", "I am not perfect", "I deserve better", "I am hurting someone "or "Someone is hurting me." Face yourself and stop coddling and justifying your lack of action. Others that are observing you can see it plainly, they see the pink elephant in the room, but you have become so accustomed to the dysfunction that you simply move over and allow him the space on the couch. Make it a Great Day! #changedmindschangelives #bethesunshine

Although it is quite difficult to define "Love" we often use it frivolously. We direct this word towards our favorite singer, actor, athlete, and even our car. Although one may argue that they can love these individuals who are unable to love them back, I suggest that the feeling lies between fandom and obsession. You may be a fan of Beyonce, but to truly love her or be loved by her involves a relationship, but most importantly it involves action. Love is an action word. Someone who loves you feels responsible for your happiness. Someone who loves you will take action to relieve your pain, support you through your storms, and supply the necessities you lack. In fact, someone who loves you anticipates what you need and helps you meet those needs. During a casual conversation with someone who loves you, you may mention something you desire and that item will be delivered or hand-carried to you. If you fail to see actions from your friend or significant other then I dare say there is no love. Many of us have such a hunger for comradery and friendship that we do not notice our love is being manipulated. We will display the actions of love while all along, the friend or romantic interest is reaping the benefits. Many of us have purchased companionship with our own acts of love. Just to fill an empty space, we will shower someone with the love they don't deserve while receiving absolutely nothing of value in return. We have all matured to no longer have the need to fit in or always be included. It's time to choose carefully who shares your space and time. I am not saying it isn't ok to have lunch with acquaintances, but you must understand that if it is your nature to display love through actions, you may have to limit the time you spend with "receivers" and not "givers.” Ladies, a man will continually return to a place that is beneficial to him. In fact, they will continue to try and return decades after that relationship has resolved. He is returning for the actions of love demonstrated by you. Stop and think for a moment and try to remember the actions or lack thereof they displayed while you were together. Men, women will return to a place where they feel safe and supported. You can easily interpret her attendance as love when what has happened is that you have helped heal many of her past wounds inflicted by trauma. Stop for a moment and see if those actions are returned. Are your needs anticipated? Does she know what you need or what comfort you need? Love is an action word. Just as movement does not denote progress, the recital of the phrase "I love you" does not always mean you are truly loved. It's time to reevaluate. You deserve reciprocity, and you should not settle for less. #changedmindschangelives #bethesunshine

In the animal world, mate selection varies. Many animals are chosen as mates by the length of their feathers, height, the brilliance of their colors, and how impressive their dance is. However, the most intriguing selection is based on genetic strength; many males are chosen because they represent traits that will be beneficial to the offspring. I have spoken with a few of my friends lately who are searching for love or relationships. Many say that their dating relationships seem to be progressing fine until they are suddenly ghosted or the whole theme of the relationship changes. As I listened, I wondered, "what are you bringing to the table?" When people turn a certain age, they have done an inventory of what is no longer acceptable. They have also reached a certain level of stability and will look to their partner to add to that stability. Women who are established are no longer interested in training up their mates. They are no longer interested in building a boy into a man. They are in a mental space that is focused on progression. If their potential mate displays behaviors such as no desire to strive, financial instability, or no plan for the future, it will easily and quickly push her away. Men who have matured are no longer interested in wrestling with a potential mate who is jockeying for authority instead of an equitable power balance. They are motivated by a woman who has a plan well before he arrives on the scene. Men will get frustrated when they have to pull their mate along as they attempt to obtain stability or remain stable. Men are no longer interested in liabilities; if you are not adding to the future, you are a threat to his future. It is in a good man’s nature to provide and protect, but he is not interested in raising another child; he wants a partner who stands eye to eye with him so that they can take on the world together. Please do not be fooled; opposites only attract in Science. In relationships, opposites create a tug of war that eventually causes everyone to lose. So, take a moment and look at yourself and ask, “what am I bringing to the table?” If you are more party than purpose, you will not edify a forward-thinking partner. If you believe saving money is ridiculous because “you live for the day,” you will be of no value to a person preparing for a prosperous retirement. Revaluate yourself and see what you add to a relationship. When it’s all said and done, you will have two choices, increase what you bring to a relationship or simply choose another table. #changedmindschangelives #bethesunshine

To say it plainly, some things should only serve as reminders of the commitments that we have previously made. Think about it, if you have obtained discipline towards whatever you have committed to, you anticipate your morning alarm clock or actually don't need it. The things you have committed to remain in the backdrop and snoozing or sleeping in does not become an option. Regardless if you are remotely working,  you have set an expectation that you will be available at a certain time. If you have committed to exercise however unpleasant, the way you have disciplined your body causes it to yearn for and expect the regular physical rigors. However, if you rely on outside motivation versus discipline and commitment you will always struggle in every aspect of your life. For instance,  if the only reason you fight to wake up for work is fear of getting fired or fear of not getting paid, you have missed an opportunity to develop a sense of duty. Those that seek external motivational factors will struggle with consistency. It is extremely easy for weight loss to be the root of our motivation to exercise.  However, if you lack discipline,  eventually the excuses will overpower the motivation.  Suddenly you don’t have enough time or room to complete the tasks and you are right back where you started. Motivation is a fleeting emotion but discipline and commitment aren't ruled by emotion and therefore are not optional. Unfortunately our lack of discipline is reflective in every area of our lives. Stop for a moment and think of how many unfinished projects you have around the house. That's because you were riding the wave of motivation instead of developing the spirit of discipline. Discipline causes you to create systems that ensure you meet your commitments.  Discipline causes you to schedule and order your life so it operates like a well trained military unit. From wake up time to recreation time, there is no question of what task is being navigated. These people are the easiest to find because they operate with such a regimen. These people also set boundaries around their schedule; others know they can't bother Joe at this time because he is studying or at the gym. Lack of discipline breeds disorder and produces stress and chaos. It is time for you to become disciplined. Stop accepting excuses Be proactive so your life is not filled with reactivity Finish what you start or don’t start it Schedule and commit to that schedule Ensure that those around you respect your boundaries and commitments, get them in line We can no longer live life by the seat of our pants. Successful people are not suprised by anything on their schedule and have the discipline to complete it daily without wavering. #changedmindschangelives #bethesunshine

Pain is a signal implemented by your nervous system as a means of alerting you to a problem in your body. The problem could derive from an injury, illness, deterioration of the body, or more complicated health issues. The interesting thing about pain is even if we push our way through, it is impossible to ignore. We can mask it with pain medications or numb our senses with other substances, but eventually, the pain will seep through. Many people have a high pain tolerance and it does not depend on gender. Women have been known to be tougher than their male counterparts when enduring pain. But what about the emotional toll pain places on the psyche of each of us? Pain ultimately limits our ability to function and depending on how chronic or debilitating the pain is, functionality can be affected indefinitely. This is the moment when tolerance can no longer save you. The toughest person will eventually face the reality of limitations and how we adapt and navigate those limitations will ultimately set a tone of emotional wellness or emotional declination. It is in a man's nature to fight through adversity. It is in his nature to adapt and overcome. Men must feel efficient in their ability to protect and provide and when pain and limitations threaten those qualities you will see a man in peril. A good man associates his worth with his abilities, not his limitations. If you show me a man that has limited abilities due to aging or injury, I will show you a man who is suffering on the inside. Acceptance of his lacked capacity is not an option therefore he toils daily to find ways to regain his abilities or adopt new ones. Although he may appear the same externally he is deteriorating on the inside. The limitations have robbed him of his worth and self-esteem. This great man has moved from a provider to someone who requires the care of others. Many men will mask their painful reality with numbing agents. Men would rather isolate themselves than put their weaknesses on display. They would rather use substances so they can complete their responsibilities and tasks just to feel accomplished for that one moment. Some men will move into a "prove it" stage where they take on different tasks that are designed to convince themselves that they still can if they want to. These activities are usually just as detrimental as the pain because if they are successful they delay reality. If you know a man then it is quite possible that you know a man who is hiding his fear of ineffectiveness in a world that expects so much of him. I charge you to be aware and be kind. I charge you to be encouraging while allowing him his flashes of brilliance and youth. We laugh at the term "midlife crisis", but I hope this provides a better perspective of the inner battle and depression endured by a man who is less than what he used to be. What can be viewed as a midlife crisis to you can be interpreted as an "end-of-life crisis" for him. #changedmindschangelives #bethesunshine ReplyForward

The phrase is ubiquitous and oft-repeated in relationship circles, but do we really know what it means to “Be His Peace”? Women have been mandated to take on this role if they want to love their men correctly. Many have insinuated that many men step away from relationships due to a failure in the woman’s ability to do this. Does being his peace mean the woman can never articulate displeasure? Does it mean she must put her problems on the back burner because he needs peace? The answer to both is absolutely not. So, what does it mean? Being his peace reflects your demeanor and your spirit. Your essence can reflect a tone of calm amid chaos. A peaceful woman is a safe place where the man is free to be vulnerable without the risk of being attacked or hurt while his guard is down. It is also an indication of how optimistic your outlook is. We must remember that the nature of a good man makes him a “fixer.” He feels like the problems of his friends and loved ones are automatically his problems, and a good man feels uncomfortable leaving issues without a solution. The amount of pressure that the world places on manhood is not easily quantified. Men are raised to be indestructible and impenetrable machines who repel the harshness and cruelty of the world while simultaneously being the protector and leaders at home. Therefore, during your daily conversation with your man, if you inundate him with issues, complaints, problems, and disagreements, you have supplied him with a fresh list of things he must fix. You have disrupted his peace. Everyone knows the story of Sampson and Delilah. Sampson was one of the great Judges who was ultimately responsible for the needs of masses of people and was constantly flooded with requests for his assistance. Sampson did not have a quiet and peaceful place that was void of expectations and needs. He was burdened with feeling as if he was always in superhero mode. Even while knowing Delilah’s intentions were duplicitous, Sampson continually went to Delilah’s home because he took solace in the fact that she provided a safe place without demands. She simply listened and stroked his head as he unburdened himself. This ought to give you an idea of the lengths a man will go to in a desire to obtain peace. In a twisted way, although Delilah was Sampson’s conspirator, she was his peace. If peace is unavailable, a man will find it. This is not always found in another woman, but it is often manufactured in an emotional and physical man cave where he can sit quietly and remove himself from the daily demands. Peace is an encouraging statement, a word of affirmation, a soft touch, or simply an interaction that does not require his assistance. Be his peace, or you will be the one that drives him towards it. #changedmindschangelives #bethesunshine

Take a moment and think back to everything you did to get your job. Your resume, your interview, and even your first 90 days of employment were flawless. You may have arrived early and stayed late, volunteered for committees, or done whatever you could do to represent the perfect employee. Ultimately that level of tenacity decreased as you became comfortable and more confident with the trust your superiors had in you. Ladies, in your current relationship, it may have taken 6 months before he saw you without makeup. Many of you would sacrifice split ends by refusing to wear a scarf to bed. You were also highly interested in your physical appearance. Many times he would have to call you back after your workout was complete. Ultimately as you became comfortable you adopted the attitude of "what you see is what you get" or "love me as I am." Now he gets to see the "real you" too often. He is horrified as he watches you shop at Walmart in the same scarf you slept in, and the workouts have all but disappeared as the person that was presented to him has become "more to love" Men are just as guilty. We enter relationships with major life goals and business plans that make promises of a prosperous future. We tap into our former athletic selves and make every attempt to keep that young man alive by spending hours in the gym. We date, bring flowers, provide romantic interludes, and commit to providing the desired love language. What happens? After getting comfortable, we have now embraced the "Dad bod." We assume our presence alone is a blessing. We only buy flowers on birthdays, and we isolate ourselves inside our caves. Let this be a lesson if you do not have the fortitude to maintain the attributes of the representative, do not send him. However, some of us need to go back and become the representative we sent. Look back at the pics of your 1st date, your wedding, or your first week on the job. Is that person 20 pounds lighter? Is that person clean-cut or displaying a beautiful mane? If so, you are guilty of false advertising. The person you originally presented is who that person chose. So, whose fault is it if he or she appears disappointed with the current product? Do not take this to extremes; looks will fade as we age and our hair gets grey. However, I am referring to a desire and action to still provide others with the "best" you as often as you can. Find that representative and become that representative. You did it once, you can do it again. Remember, comfort is the friend of mediocrity and the enemy of progression. #changedmindschangelives #bethesunshine ReplyForward

Visualization can be defined as the act of mentally imagining oneself performing tasks successfully. Great athletes utilize visualization to improve their performance in a selected sport. The mental rehearsal of actions have been shown to improve physical and psychological reactions. As you rehearse and visualize yourself successfully performing a task, you actually stimulate the same regions of your brain and the same muscles as if you were actively engaged in the task. To state it simply, you are who you think you are and can do what  you have convinced your brain you can do. When you visualize yourself graduating, being promoted, giving a great speech, running a 5K, etc. You are training your brain to succeed. Visualization can have negative outcomes as well. Many of us visualize a negative outcome and we rehearse that negative outcome mentally until it manifests.  We have convinced our brain to fail. Studies show that young Black men that grow up in poor neighborhoods  can be placed on a positive or negative trajectory based on interactions with authority.  If law enforcement, educators, or even parents diminish their self-concept through negative interactions the young men will convince themselves that they are unable to perform well which results in lower test scores and grades. It is no secret that men are stimulated and motivated by visualization.  However, gazing at a beautiful woman is not the problem.  When a man mentally rehearses or visualizes certain actions with that woman he starts to train his brain to react in certain ways and the body follows. What are you visualizing? Are you picturing yourself as a successful husband or wife or have you manifested the negativity of divorce? Have you trained yourself to  be successful by imagining yourself at the finish line? I challenge you to cast your eyes only on things that you wish to manifest and visualize positive results.  It is too easy to focus upon everything that could go wrong but remember your mind will focus all its attention on your imagery. Visualize success Visualize peace Visualize prosperity Visualize a happy ending #changedmindschangelives #bethesunshine

The word prepare is derived from the Latin word prae, meaning before, and parare, meaning make or ready. Thereby the meaning of prepare means to get ready before. The key part of this commonly used word is the prefix "pre." Many of us could benefit greatly from utilizing this prefix more often. Can any of you attribute some of our failures to this prefix? For instance, "I wasn't successful at my job or my marriage because I wasn't prepared for the obstacles or the difficulties that would arise. " As the saying goes, "success is where preparation meets opportunity." Why have we stopped preparing? Even in our maturity, we have failed to "get ready before " trivial or important things in our life. The military does an excellent job of foreseeing and therefore preparing for every situation. The military is staffed 24 hours daily (someone is always on alert), even while in garrison. Every exercise, every weapon, and every inoculation is preparation for what can happen. They stay ready, so they don't have to get ready. Shouldn't we have the same mindset of being ready for whatever comes? We send our kids to preschool to prepare them for kindergarten. Athletes train to prepare their bodies for punishment. However, many times we just simply approach a situation leisurely or do not give our best effort in anticipation. I'm not sure if we fail to embrace the importance of certain situations or if we have become so accustomed to flying by the seat of our pants that it has become habitual. When we approach life like this, we inevitably become wasteful. A simple trip to the grocery or department store can easily become an unanticipated debt if we haven't created a list or budget. As we all know, in today's economy, the smallest economic misstep is hard to recover from. I am convinced that if we pre-pare we can pre-vent ourselves from situations that we should have pre-conceived and could cause us not to pre-vail. It should be our desire to pre-sent ourselves in a positive light as a pre-lude for our trustworthiness so we can pre-side in places of success. Take pre-caution with those that pre-tend to pre-vail while instead connecting with those that pre-clude their pre-sentations with pre-dated pre-paration . If you fail to pre-pare you will continue to fulfill pre-conceptions. Are others pre-sumptuous of who you are due to pre-conceptions, or have you just failed to pre-pare, and your actions have pre-cluded who you are First impressions are usually a pre-lude to future behaviors .

We have always been taught to sit at the feet of those older so we can receive their transfer of wisdom. Those who came before us have always been seen as the measurement of knowledge. It was instilled in us to make sure our elders influence us to be successful and even more remarkable than they could have ever hoped. Well, in my opinion, this has become an antiquated ideology. Don't get me wrong; I still believe some from the older generations have a lot to offer. What I am saying is, I have met some old fools! I have discovered that age does not equate with wisdom, and you must be extremely careful who you allow to speak or pour into you. The loudest one in the room is seldom the most intelligent, and I'd venture to say that the introverts carry the most knowledge and will only offer their opinion if asked. Remember, it's the empty container that makes the most noise. Memorizing useless facts and regurgitating them while steering the conversation in your direction does not display wisdom. It shows a fear that sharing the stage will display your lack of knowledge and confidence. These old fools will essentially make you an actor in their charade as you continue to sip the kool-aid. The expertise and instructions they offer can not be trusted because you will never be able to tell the difference between the truth and their fabricated facade. Just like we interview a new job candidate or date our potential spouse, we must do the same with those we allow to influence us. Have they produced real fruit? No, I don't mean money and property. Do they have the fruit of lifelong friendships? Does their family love them? Do people really enjoy being around them? Have they been a positive influence on others? We too often listen because someone talks but do they really have anything to offer? When you reach a certain age, you begin to realize that your time is precious. I'm not saying every interaction has to be a lesson, but I am saying you should never leave an exchange without feeling edified in some way. One of the worst feelings is feeling like you have just wasted your time. Choose your influences wisely. #changedmindschangelives #bethesunshine